Consent: An observation in the context of gender and power dynamics
written by Vengyi Loke
CW: mention of sexual harassment, assault, and rape. Some mention of suicide.
It is time to talk about consent. For many, their exposure to this word is from the lens of sexual activity, from hearing accounts from victims of sexual assault and rape talking about how their consent was breached. It may make conversations about consent uncomfortable to sit through or engage in. For most, the concept of consent seems simple, binary, and self-explanatory. “No means no, and yes means yes.”
However, in practice, as with many other concepts involving the human condition, it is difficult to concretely label them in the binary. And as with many other concepts, consent is unequivocally linked to the patriarchy, as it is a concern of power dynamics, and how a society groups, dichotomises and ranks their people. There are sentiments from different people coloured by their different experiences; there are influences from the media consumed, of fantasised and romanticised versions of the self; and there are influences from people one is surrounded by or looks up to.
Boys learn their behaviour and understanding of relationships most from their peers, more so than older mentors or parents (Cole, 2020). There are pre-existing notions that they abide by — due to pressures from each other, popular media, or older male figures — that Cole (2020) calls the “Man Box”. It is a system of belief that reinforces the patriarchy and toxic masculinity. It strengthens the collective performance of masculinity, a gendered reality that is created by sustained social performances that perpetuate the notion that there is a “true manliness” that adheres to the restrictions of masculinist domination and compulsory heterosexuality (Butler, 1999). Such ideologies also manifest themselves in the objectification of women, viewing women as less than men, with their expression of this ideology more subtle and underlying now than historically, as such possessing less empathy for non-male lived experiences under the patriarchy.
The fortification of gender performativity and a distinct of gender binary also show up in the romance genre — a genre created for adverting to a female demographic (Sheehan, 2014) — where making a move without acquiring consent, sometimes even without the other person’s explicit knowledge, are seen as romantic, cool, or gutsy, and thus “manly”. In many romances, especially ones depicted as the ideal, “No” sometimes means “Maybe”, or “Try harder”; the stories of seduction have inadvertently become stories of coercion (Meek, 2018). We see this in iconic romantic stories like The Notebook (2004), where Noah is unrelenting in his efforts to get Allie to go on a date with him, even going to the extent of threatening suicide when Allie repeatedly rejects him. Stories of persistence and unceasing force of will are shown as stories of love and romance, where a — often male — pursuer, will try attempt after attempt to get a “Yes” from their pursuee. This portrayal puts romance and relationships as linear and transactional, when, in actuality, it is a lot more nuanced and complicated. When relationships are perceived this way, getting one’s way becomes the priority and genuine consent becomes an afterthought (Cole, 2020). Asking and getting consent become a game, where people will use whatever means necessary to obtain their “Yes”. “No means no, and yes also sometimes actually means no.”
Women are taught from a young age to fear rape, but men are not taught to not rape. When this fear is implanted and repeated from a young age, it becomes a reflex, a creeping anxiety that constantly places control out of the hands of women. There are jokes made about victims of rape and sexual assault because their painful and traumatic experience paints them as defenceless and helpless. Men, who conform and perform the role of their gender well, hold positions of power over all other genders in a patriarchal society, with many of them choosing not to question their privilege, reinforcing it in their day-to-day lives, and even trivialising the issues caused by their sole dominance.
In a situation of power imbalance, it impacts what a “Yes” may truly mean. To have power is to have influence and control over another’s actions and choices; it could be obvious, like an age-gap, or subtle, like a difference in sexual experience (NSVRC, 2018). When someone has power held over their head, it may influence how comfortable they would be with saying “No” to advances, despite their guttural unwillingness. They may implicitly trust the person who holds power over them, and thus deny and invalidate their own feelings in favour of the dominant person. In cases of marital or spousal rape, they might not even know that saying “No” is a viable option because they have been told their entire life that marriage and partnership mean full consent to one’s body and sexuality.
The influence of the environment is not to be belittled. Teens and young adults may feel pressured to seek out sexual activity to prove their maturity; under the linear belief that relationships and sex are a mandatory step on their journey into adulthood. Tucker (2018) talks about her experience with unwilling consent, where she was put in a position where she did not feel that she had the right to say “No”, and therefore did not. She wanted to trust the judgement of her partner older — by a year — at the time, telling herself to endure it because it was “what adults do”, but at the end of it all, still feeling violated from it.
From a young age, many people may have been told — by their parents or other elder figures — to “be respectful” or to “be polite” when put in a situation where they might feel uncomfortable. It may seem harmless, or just an effort to save face, but what it tells a child is that their refusal and comfort is worth less than social disruption; it may also subconsciously urge a child to want to grow up faster, to be able to obtain that control for themselves. It is a notion usually, but not exclusively, imposed on girls, where there is greater societal pressure for their gender performances to be quiet, polite, and to occupy less space than their male counterparts. Surrounded by this way of thinking, people will eventually internalise it and accept it as fact, when it is, in fact, all socially constructed.
Ultimately, consent is an abstract and complicated concept that is diminished often to a binary “Yes” or “No”. Teaching the importance of respecting one’s consent and how to graciously stand up for oneself when demands are not met are two of the pillars that facilitate a healthy perception of relationships that are not purely transactional and sequential. Through this, there will be fewer incidents, and eventually none, of unhappy or unfulfilled relationships, where power imbalances regulate and overpower wholesome human connection.
Vengyi is an aspiring activist and storyteller who wishes to use her voice and writing to amplify the experiences of others. She always tries to keep herself in-the-know on different social issues, using her currently small platform to stand up for equity and social justice. In her free time, she finds interest in theatre, films, video games, writing, and fearing what the future holds.
The views and opinions expressed in this publication are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the views of PHIR-Nott.
